Friday, October 23, 2009

You don't call anymore. Maybe that's foolish of me to expect. But you never take my calls either. I wait patiently till the ringing sound runs into the automated voice telling me you've moved on and have no interest in speaking to me anymore. Maybe you finally saw through me, maybe saw me for who I was - maybe all those sob fests about poor-old-me finally got too much for you to take. I must have disappointed you somehow, must have let on that I was just another girl in a long string of girls, with nothing to set myself apart with. You must pity me, the thought is horrifying, you must laugh with your new girlfriend, discussing the latest in my endless list of debacles. Both of you shaking your perfect heads at the weird heartless girl. I don't know why I do this to myself. It isn't helping anyone.

I wonder how you are though, all the time. I restrain myself from calling you, instead I send you an offline message with the vain hope that it will pop back at me with a witticism from your end. But I get nothing. Sometimes, you reply, but it is never the same as it used to be. I can almost taste your half-heartedness on my tongue. It makes me want to cringe. Our conversations are dry, full of words that neither of us ever got comfortable with - 'how are things?' and the like. We were better than this. Remember when I said with absolute confidence that we would never fade out? How silly of me. There, another anecdote for you to share with people who are more important these days.

I am not half as witty with others as I used to be with you. I can never pull of the any of the old stories and jokes. I no longer have a reason to stay in on a Saturday night, glued to my computer, talking and smoking and drinking coke for hours, giggling to myself.

Better things to do, you will tell me, smirking. We've got better things to do, both you and me. Then why are none of them half as much fun?

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

brilliant.

im sorry about your pain.

but brilliant prose.

Tejaswi said...

The writing is at least four times better than "half as much."

Anonymous said...

maybe others wondered about all these things long ago.
when you were busy stubbing cigarettes with newer, cooler people.


and really, you can do better than this.

Mystique said...

let it go.

vijay said...

There will be someone better who will bring out your witticism even better...

Sameer said...

Sad.. Give up smoking I would say... And everything heals with time... And stop trying to speak with him, won't help at all...

Anki said...

i fail to understand why does ur blog get blocked as adult content!

Anonymous said...

^ artificial intelligence. apparently, those little algorithms can now read between the lines. chalo, at least somebody can.

Pri said...

its okay...shit happens!!

Anonymous said...

omg i thought you stopped blogging!!!

welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Dude, seriously... let it go! You are a hot chick and you know it... for a while just relax and have fun!! I mean just date random new guys... get to know people.... make them pay for your booze... just have plain simple fun!! Do something crazy like the next time you are at a bar, try to pick a random guy up... chumma... for the heck of it! ;) Just go out! No-fuckin-body is worth all this pain and such shit... go take a break man... just have fun for a while... eventually EVERYONE will be happy... I am telling you :)

Utopia said...

I'd thought you didn't blog no more. Yeayyyy I am so glad I get to read your writing again Scout. :D

V said...

I am sorry. Ive been thru this and I know that nothing anyone says will help..give it time, you'll feel better...

Anonymous said...

i was so pleased to know that you're back - i found out through eM's blog in which you write about being with a foreigner. then what is all this sad post about?!

Nadu said...

Despite your pain, this is a great post. I have a frnd who is going through this and I never seem to understand. But now I do.

Jayanti said...

OHNO. WHERE IS SCOUT?


:P


Update soon!